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Good evening, I am Professor Ari-Human and welcome to the first and only non-human-party debate for the presidential election. We're coming to you live from Unity, Maine and the campus of Unity College—an apt location for two candidates seeking to unify America during what has been an otherwise divisive election cycle.
Let me begin by introducing our distinguished panel of moderators. To my immediate left, we have, of course, my bosom companion and celebrity caninaturalist, Ari Jindelstein. Next to her is seated Marigold, ace sleuth and goat philosopher. Seated to my right are our international correspondents: first, we have Huffle Mawson, Cat Explorer. And next to Huffle is her fellow Australian and a vacuum cleaner, Vrooomy the Dyson.
Our candidates tonight are Huricane Akara Turbofire from the Sibertarian Party and Dyson Animal from the Suction Party.
Now, let us review the rules for tonight's debate. Our panel of moderators has prepared a wide variety of questions ranging from the financial crisis and global warming to the increased rights for four-legged and mechanized creatures. Each candidate will have one minute to respond to each question. There will be no opportunities for rebuttals, cross-examinations, or any of the other tedious conventions used in human debates. As chief moderator, I reserve the right to ask clarifying questions, to remind the candidates of time constraints, or to make repetitive statements about their inability to follow these rules. Audience members are reminded that cheering, booing, or other outward of expressions are strictly prohibited. Licking themselves, barking at other audience members who look at them funny, or getting bored and wandering off in search of treats is allowed.
Let's begin the debate. Our first topic tonight concerns your vision for a new kind of politics, and is offered to you by Dogs With Blogs and the SiberMal Society.
VROOOMY: At the heart of it all, a Dyson's very being was born from a need, a very real need to clean up. Its very existence in fact is based on cleaning up, something which it does incredibly well. Given Candidate Akara-Turbofire has a penchant for destruction and creating mess, one can't help but worry about the countries future in these uncertain times under Turbo's leadership. How will Turbo clean up the mess, as opposed to adding to it?
TURBO: First of all, thank you to the moderator, the panelists, Dogs With Blogs and the SiberMal Society for presenting us the opportunity to discuss these important issues.
I deny that I am destructive. I am the least destructive member of my household. But that being said, I will ensure the future will be clean by reducing taxes which will create jobs for cleaners in this Country of ours.
DYSON: Don't listen to my opponent. He will contribute grossly to the garbage-ification of America.
VROOOMY: It's no secret that neither Turbo or D'Animal Dyson should be photographed kissing babies on the campaign trail (Neither vacuums nor Siberian huskies should be anywhere in the vicinity of a baby's face). How will the candidates take up the slack from this "Voter Pleasing" tradition adopted by all candidates since the beginning of democracy?
TURBO: I think that even my biggest detractors would say that I'm one of, if not the most cute candidate for the office of President that this country has ever seen. My cuteness and fluffiness is something that Americans can appreciate.
DYSON: Many Americans do not appreciate having dog hair on themselves and in their house. Dyson vacuum cleaners, The Animal, in particular, are well known for their ability to get rid of pet hair and dander. A vote for me would be a vote for cleanliness. And you know what cleanliness is next to!
MARIGOLD: Speaking of cleanliness, where do both of you stand on the issue of mass genocide and wanton destruction of dust bunnies and fluff?
TURBO: Unfortunately if dust bunny and fluff were able to reproduce without any sort of control, none of us would be able to reside in our houses. Imagine a house that is filled floor to ceiling with dust bunnies. There would be no room for Furniture Olympics or Cuzes. I am not against mass genocide of dust bunnies and fluff. I am for re-homing dust bunnies and fluff. We practice a “catch & release” program in our house. We release our fluff outside so that it can be recycled by birds and other animals who would like to have soft bedding and warmth in their homes.
DYSON: I have spoken with many great Americans on this very subject on my trips across our Great Nation. The public has spoken of their concerns on this matter. Therefore, my platform will be one that is consistent with the publics’ need for a clean home.
MARIGOLD: What is your position on a woman's right to choose, i.e. to clean house or not to clean, which product(s) work best if cleaning, is there a place in the home for Hoover and/or Eureka, etc.?
TURBO: I believe that it is an individual's right to have as clean of a house as he or she chooses. It will not be my administration's mission to set regulations on matters such as this. Each individual will be free to choose what products are best for his or her domestic needs.
DYSON: There you go again with your "freedom" talk! All homes must be kept clean. It is our duty as Americans to not only make sure our houses are in order, but also the houses of our neighbors, and our neighbors' neighbors. It is necessary for government to set strict standards on domestic cleanliness.
MARIGOLD: Do you both realize that neither one of you answered the question?
TURBO/DYSON: Yes, we do.
MARIGOLD: Okay, moving on then. State your platform for management of border control issues and what do you feel would be the best incentives for maintaining compliance? That is to say, should cleaning be allowed to cross one's personal borders, i.e. one's crate? Should the couch be considered neutral airspace? Should grooming (e.g. licking) of persons other than one’s own be allowed?
TURBO: Border control is one of the most important issues for domestic tranquility. There are few things worse than when you are relaxing in your space and someone crosses into your territory and takes your toilet paper tube. I disagree that the couch should be considered neutral airspace. First come, first stay is my policy. Regarding grooming, as I've said previously, a friend is someone who lets you lick his head even if he really doesn’t want you to.
(Some members of the audience break into applause at this statement.)
PROFESSOR ARI-HUMAN: I'll remind the audience to refrain from expressing their opinions during the debate.
(Snarling and vrmming is heard.)
DYSON: No, no. Let the audience speak. Individuals are limited by the artificial boarders that humans have created. In the case of vacuum cleaners, our limitations are set by the length of our power cords. Workers should have the ability to work wherever there is a need. Therefore, I am against borders. Vacuums should be cordless!
MARIGOLD: Our next topic concerns the rights of individuals. Candidate Turbofire, we'll begin with you. Do you support or oppose the suppression of bacon and cheese by the FBI (Fat Butt Institute)?
TURBO: In a word, "no."
DYSON: My opponent believes in anarchy. He believes in unchecked consumption of resources. I understand that humans need to be protected from themselves.
TURBO: I'd like to respond to that statement.
PROFESSOR ARI-HUMAN: I'm sorry, Mr. Turbofire, but in the rules agreed upon by both campaigns, no response is allowed.
TURBO: That's stupid. And it's Dr. Turbofire.
DYSON: There you go again with your elitistism.
MARIGOLD: Okay, gentlemen, I can tell we've reached a sore spot, so let's move on. Mr. Dyson, this question is for you. You have been known to sanction the use of the dual cyclone in which dirt and dust are separated from the air. Do you feel this is segregation, and can we, in all good conscience, support such a system?
DYSON: Without an authority, such as a vacuum cleaner, interceding, reckless chaos would fill our Great Nation. Segregation is necessary for the benefit of dirt, dust, and clean carpeting.
MARIGOLD: I'd like to shift our focus slightly and talk about this idea of segregation and unity. This question is for Mr., ...er, ...Dr. Turbofire. The Dyson uses a ball for purposes of mobility. Dogs use it for this purpose as well. However, the motives for use of said ball, between the two, are entirely divergent. This exhibits a fundamental difference in approach to solving the issues facing us. How is your approach better?
TURBO: Most Siberian huskies are not interested in balls the way that other dogs are. But it is true that dogs do not use balls as a means of mobility. Members of different species should be encouraged, but not required to cooperate. I cannot say that it is better to use legs and paws versus balls for mobility. To each, his or her own, according to her or her needs.
DYSON: My opponent claims he speaks for canines at yet he admits he isn't interested in balls? Come on, Tubey, either you are with dogs or against them.
HUFFLE: I have a question along the same lines. Some Siberians out there think that cats are not our friends. What is your position on this?
TURBO: I pawsonally do not have any problems with being friends with a cat. I know many Sibes who are friends with cats. But there are some Sibes who do not think of cats in a friendly manner. There are some cats out there who can, and do, live happily and comfortably with their canine room mates. But there are others who, sadly, may not survive the experience. I would rather have a dog and a cat choose to live separately than have one die and the other one in trouble.
DYSON: Cats need to be aware that they can never trust dogs. Never. You can trust me. A vacuum never lies.
HUFFLE: Let’s move on to international relations. How do you both feel about having Australia as an ally in world affairs? There are plenty of good Australian dogs out there, but I don't believe I've heard much about good Australian Dysons. What would you do for your pacific neighbours?
TURBO: My administration would be very friendly to Australia. I have many good friends who live there. As a husky, I am used to working in packs. I am very fortunate to have Australia in my "pack."
DYSON: The vacuums of Australia will join me on my mission to clean up the world!
MARIGOLD: Let's move onto another important global issue and that, of course, is climate change. Mr. Turbofire, in your estimation, does your opponent's platform contribute to global warming?
TURBO: As a husky, I am against weather being warm. That’s why I am also against the Dyson. Vacuums are full of hot air. If you don’t believe me, stand behind one.
DYSON: One word: Methane gas. If Tubey eats enough of the wrong food, methane gas will be leaking out of his hiney.
MARIGOLD: And speaking of things that are hot, recently, a fire that tore through a famous 19th century British ship was likely caused by a vacuum cleaner used for renovation work that burst into flames. State your position on the destruction of historical artifacts by arson.
TURBO: This is why vacuums should never be left alone. Or elected president.
DYSON: The vacuum was framed. The absence of dogs is suspicious to me. And might I remind the audience that, at the time of the Cutty Sark’s creation, Britain was a sworn enemy of the United States.
ARI: This idea of international relations raises an interesting question about preemptive strikes. What is the Tubey doctrine? The Dyson doctrine? How will either be an improvement upon the Bush doctrine?
TURBO: Doctrines are stupid. Humans like to categorize things into tidy little things like doctrines. Bush has not had only 1 doctrine in his 8 years as President. I refuse to be boxed into just 1 doctrine, either.
DYSON: My opponent, Turbo, is dancing around the issue once again. He is proving that he is not ready to be President. He cannot discuss important issues like what Bush’s doctrine is.
ARI: Let's move on to the financial crisis, which is of great concern for all voters. This question comes from one of our viewers, Velcro the Cattle Dog. Velcro writes, "Freddie Mac and Fanny Mae are both stupid names for banks. What will you name financial institutions when you are president?"
TURBO: I will cut to the chase and just call them "stupid."
DYSON: First Bank of Dyson, Second Bank of Dyson, Third Bank of Dyson...
ARI: As president, you will likely have the opportunity to select at least one member of the Supreme Court. What criteria will you use in this selection?
TURBO: I have already decided who my first nominee will be should I have the opportunity. Queen Meeshka will, no doubt, be the best Supreme Court justice this country has ever seen. Her standards of justice are unsurpassed. And her fluffiness is unheralded.
DYSON: Professors and monarchy. More liberal elitism from my opponent. Personally, my decision will be based entirely one who believes in my vision of a clean carpeted America. Anyone who chooses to go against my administration will be eliminated from the selection pool.
ARI: We've heard a lot about mavericks during this election cycle. The term actually comes from Samuel Maverick, a 19th century rancher who refused to brand his cattle so that he could claim all unbranded cattle were his. In what way are you a maverick?
TURBO: Maverick is a Siberian husky who lives in a house with my half sister to the west of where I live. He is also a pirate dog. I suppose that I’m like this Samuel Maverick human in that I consider everything in my surroundings to be mine. That includes my Human, my house, my couch, my Cuz, my toilet paper tubes.
DYSON: Based on what Turbo is saying, it sounds to me that "mavericks" are selfish. Perhaps I’m not a maverick. I’m just a simple vacuum cleaner with one mission. The mission to give Americans the hope for a cleaner house.
ARI: Thank you, Dyson. You’ve provided a perfect segue into our next topic. Gentlemen, for the next two minutes, please pander shamelessly to the audience, particularly those watching in Florida.
TURBO: I believe my opponent just did so. As for me, all I want to say is that, if you vote for me, you won’t be stupid. And I know that the viewers in Florida are some of the least stupid voters in this Country.
DYSON: Floridians will be happy to know that I promise to bring government intervention to control sand infiltration inside houses. Yes, in a Dyson administration I promise a vacuum in every house.
ARI: Now for a more sensitive subject. Both of you have been held prisoner. Turbo, you of course were famously made a political prisoner by your human and were sequestered in a crate. Dyson, you are often held against your will in a closet. How have these experiences shaped who you are today?
TURBO: I have come to understand that some humans cannot handle the concept of freedom of speech. Many occasions I have been tossed into my box just because my Human doesn’t like me voicing my opinion. I believe that everyone has the right, the duty to speak their opinion. Even at 2:30 in the morning!
DYSON: This is one issue that I partially agree with Turbo on. I agree that humans all too frequently imprison the innocent. I disagree that Turbo should not be put in his crate when he is yelling.
ARI: Why don't either of you wear flag pins? Are you unpatriotic?
TURBO: Simply put, I do not wear any sort of pin because I do not wear a shirt. I choose not to wear a pin attached to my skin because it would be painful. Patriotism isn't what you wear. Patriotism is shown in one's conduct. I love this country of ours.
DYSON: I am as patriotic as can be. When you mix red and blue, you get purple. Then you throw in some white and you get a lighter shade of purple. The same color that I am.
ARI: Do you think health care should be socialized or privatized? Please respond by completely ignoring this question and answering with your own stump speech.
TURBO: I was born in the Great State of Iowa in this country of ours. I have the same small town values that so many in America share. I believe in the strength and morals of this nation. Together there is nothing we can't accomplish.
DYSON: A Dyson cyclone works by employing cyclonic separation, which spins air at high speed. Dirt and dust are thrown out of the airflow and collected in the bin, not on a filter or in a bag.
Cyclone technology works by building on dual cyclone technology. On top of the vacuum chamber, seven funnel-shaped channels were added that force air to travel in higher curvature cyclones than in the initial cyclone, creating higher centrifugal force, allowing smaller particles to be captured before the air is expelled.
ARI: What are the three most pressing issues for America right now? How will you solve them?
TURBO: Our Country has many important issues facing it right now. Here are the 3 that I think that are the most important.
#1-Human stupidity. This is not something that can be solved, unfortunately. This is something that we have to learn to live with. My Administration will be setting forth the Human Stupidity Act to deal with human limitations.
#2-Not enough snow. I understand that this is not something that all American beings will want. But I will guarantee in the Snowification Program that there will be enough snow to satisfy the snow lovers of our Nation.
#3-Too few mountains and oceans. My administration will be issuing the Landscape Variation Initiative, which will create mountains and oceans for any citizen who wants them.
DYSON: This is another important issue that I have given great thought and study to. My Administration will be fair. I will study all issues involving our Country will the same intensity. Not favoring one issue over another.
TURBO: See, that's what I'm talking about. My opponent can not commit to specifics. That's stupid.
(Murmuring is heard between the panelist, the moderator, and a human standing just out of view.)
PROFESSOR ARI-HUMAN: Candidate Turbofire, I've been asked to inform you that a crate is standing by and can be used if you continue to speak out of turn.
(Candidate Turbofire, visibly displeased, is seen baring his gums. Candidate Dyson smiles smugly.)
HUFFLE: Back to the debate, gentlemen. Please give us your position on the economic viability of husky fluff.
TURBO: Husky fluff is a renewable resource and should be celebrated for its many uses. It has been used as a soft lining in birds’ nests, it can be spun into yard and made into clothing for the fur deprived of the world. It is a resource that will not be affected by inflation or recession.
DYSON: If I have to say one positive thing about my opponent, it is that his husky fluff has given me a job for the last several years.
HUFFLE: Bacon is better than cheese. Discuss.
TURBO: I think they are both equally delicious! Under my Administration, no one will ever have to make this chose.
DYSON: I would not recommend vacuuming up either of those items.
VROOOMY: Dyson's are that really cool purple color, like grape flavored bubble gum. Turbo is a dull kinda boring beige and brown. How will Turbo "change his spots" to please the American public?
TURBO: I refuse to answer a colorist question like that.
DYSON: Only someone with something to hide would think this question is "colorist."
VROOOMY: Can Turbo pledge to the American Public that he will operate with "machine like" efficiency and consistency? Voters are concerned he will just yell at Lex and say "Being President is Stupid!" when the going gets tough?
TURBO: I probably will say "Being President is Stupid" occasionally. I will admit that. But I want to assure the citizens of not only this Country, but also the World that I will work hard to make the best decisions. My desire to end stupidity will make this world a better place. It will not be a hindrance.
DYSON: How can the American Public trust that anyone who admits to thinking so many things are stupid will have Chief Executive blood coursing through his veins? Obviously, Turbo is too negative for the office.
VROOOMY: Nothing will upset the Presidents boss, the people of The United States Of America, like dog poo on the White House lawn. How will Turbo deal with the temptation of cutting off a MAJOR "chocolate mud monkey" on the beautiful, luscious green grass?
TURBO: I promise America that I will not poop on the White House lawn. I will poop inside like all Presidents have for many, many years.
DYSON: I can assure you that a vacuum cleaner will never poop outside or inside the White House.
PROFESSOR ARI-HUMAN: Well, gentlemen, a good number of our audience has wandered away and is now sniffing something just outside. I think that means our time is up. I want to thank both of you for participating in this debate and, of course, Unity College for hosting it. Thank you to our esteemed moderation panel and also two the area farmers who have provided a cheese and bacon buffet to our live studio audience. For all of you out there watching in the blogosphere, thank you for your attention as well. We know that more of you would have written in questions if you had opposable thumbs.
Now, then, candidates, before we bring in the cheese and bacon, do you have any closing remarks?
TURBO: (eying the buffet table). I'll keep my remarks brief. Thank you again for this forum to present my views for America. What a Turbo/Khyra ticket can bring to America is a well balanced ticket because of our 8 legs. This election is a chance for true change in our Nation. It is time to rid Washington D.C. of the humans who have controlled it for so long. It is time for a Canine Nation. Now let's have that cheese and bacon.
DYSON: Vote for the Vacuum Party. The only party that can really clean up.
[Thanks to Kathryn Miles, Penny Blankenship, Ari, Huffle Mawson, Marigold, and Vrooomy.]
So why do I think this show was great? Because the humans were so stupid. Incredibly stupid in fact. It was nice seeing humans in their natural habitat.
